My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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