Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
this boner is exhausting
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
