Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
