He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Pappa wants mamma naked
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
