I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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