I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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