I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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