Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
