saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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