Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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