If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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