I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
