I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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