I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
