I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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