You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Randomize
