Old men and throwing up are my life now.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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