I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
