my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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