capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
