Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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