Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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