Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
