I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Randomize
