so explain again why im purple
no
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
