Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
