his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
