Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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