fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
