Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
