how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
