I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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