Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
