Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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