I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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