Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
