my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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