I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Sober January is a disaster.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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