Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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