I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
