My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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