well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
