I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
