i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
