I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I wear drunk well.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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