Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
