how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
