Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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