I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
