i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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