Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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