I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
