the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You made out with two different species that night
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
