Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
