We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
