ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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