I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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