2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
