The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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