i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
